This morning I woke up with a strange feeling. I don’t know how to explain it, except that it was a sense of dread. Sounds awful, I know but it’s all consuming! It is coming from somewhere and I have a feeling that something is up today.
Anyway I had a quick breakfast, of milk & cereal, and went off to school feeling like that anyway. The whole day just seemed to drag along. In gym class, we played soccer : shirts vs. no-shirts. I ended up getting picked for the no-shirts team and I was a bit apprehensive because it’s too cool outside.
My asthma starts acting up and I’m having a hard time breathing. The weather outside is stormy and the gray clouds just loom heavy overhead like spectators, looking down into the lion’s den at the zoo, waiting for something to happen. Even worse, when I went to take a shower, the hot water refused to flow for me! The cold water splashes on my chest and feels like weights crushing my lungs.
Ughhh!
What a day!!!! Dread & heavy chest but a sunny day awaits me outside. I’m just glad school is over and I can finally get the school day done now!
On my drive home, the sun warms up my chest & loosens my tight lungs. But the feeling of dread is still present and getting stronger. It pulsates and causes the veins in my neck to bulge. I don’t know why it’s there nor what is causing it, but it’s just strange.
I guess not strange enough! Because as I turn the corner onto our block, I see exactly what is causing this feeling.
There in the middle of the street, in front of our house, is a growing commotion. The neighbors are standing together like a group of dear, frozen in their tracks. The lights on the patrol car are still flashing and the crowd has an expression of disbelief. They’re standing there with their hands clasped over their mouths and elbows clenched tightly to their chest.
All seen to have experienced a horrific moment together. Their tears drops covered up by the rain drops falling on their shoulders.
Oh God don’t tell me something happened!
I pull into a parking space attempting to park the car, but the girls from upstairs jump in front of the car & start banging on my window. I slam on the brakes as they shout “Open this window! Dammit open it now!”
“What’s going on?” I ask as the pulsating in my neck becomes more noticeable.
“Baby Daniel got sick. He was found in the crib and he was not breathing! His little face was blue!” they explained loudly. “Come with us, we will drive you to the hospital!”
“Wait!” I shouted “I haven’t finished parking the car!”
“Dammit, don’t worry about the car! I’ll get my dad to park it! We have to go now!” They shout as they drag me towards their car.
I leave the keys in the car. The door open and the engine running. My lunchbox is open on the front seat and I think I spilled my Coke on the rug from all this commotion. I don’t know why, but I am not even a little worried.
“He’s going to be alright!” I reassure the girls. “Don’t panic. Everything will be OK, You’ll see.”
Looking back, I must have been out of it, since I was not worrying. But as we continue, I notice the speedometer and its over 50mph on the city streets.
“Slow down” I yell, but she is so intense that she doesn’t even hear me. “Slow down!”
But still no respond. Now I’m starting to worry and even a little scared!
They pull up to the front door of the Perth Amboy General Hospital’s Emergency Room and we climbed out of the car. Clumsily, we almost fell out even before the car was in park.
At this point it became real to me and the only thing I can hear is the “swoosh” of the electric doors as they slide open. We rush into the emergency room, past the counter directly into the patient’s area. I see my mom, Beth and my baby sister, Patty crying. In their face, I see that same feeling of dread – only deeper and more painful, more immediate.
No question had to be asked. My mother’s strong hug told me everything! Patty also came over to create a group hug in the middle of the hall. Nurses running around us but we didn’t move. It felt like hours & the only thing that broke the silence were the words my mother uttered: “Little Danny just died.”
Oh God, Why!!!! How am I going to tell my brother his son is dead! The terror of the moment fills me, like an overflowing cup of hot coffee spilling on my lap. I break off and run to the corner screaming inside.
In my pain, all I can think of is “how will my brother take this news?”
Then I notice a slumped-over shadow out of the corner of my eye. And my thoughts and wanderings go to Beth. She had been home, taking a nap. When she woke up, she found Little Danny face down in his crib. She had been alone in the house at the time. The terror of finding her son dead must be horrific for her!
She is so far from her home & her family. Her husband, my brother, is thousands of miles away & she now finds herself surrounded by a bunch of strangers. These strangers now find ourselves serving as her make-shift family.
Oh My! She is so far from home…
Beth, I know you’re lonely and I hope you’ll be alright…
For Father’s Day, I want to give my dad something that he would actually use. Something different that he’s never had. Maybe even something that we can do together. 
Something weird happened today and I’m not sure how to even talk about it. It feels like a nightmare that I cannot shake. Every day after school we spend the afternoon outside playing. Playing ball, playing tag, chasing one another and even riding our bikes.