Tag Archives: Thoughts

Knowing What My Wife Responds to

I finally got it thru my thick skull learned what it is that my wife likes and needs when it comes to Love. I learned that all she wants is to be told that she is loved.

That’s it!!! I don’t know why this works. She already knows that I love her, so why do I have to repeat it over & over again! say it. But ‘saying’ the actual words is what made all the difference for her.

Once I started telling her how much I love her, her reactions to me became different. The way that I discovered this secret is that while cleaning the house, I ran into a workbook she had from a seminar called The Five Love Language. See one day a long while back she dragged me out invited me to seminar. In this seminar I fell asleep learned that each of us have a language we use to express, but more importantly receive love. I have forgotten about it until now.

Here is an excerpt from the Five Love Languages website:

1. Words of Affirmation : Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” More»

2. Quality Time : Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. More»

3. Receiving Gifts : Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. More»

4. Acts of Service Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. More»

5. Physical Touch : Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. More»

The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.

The Five love Languages are how we express love for one another. We may express love using all five, but only two or three actually make us FEEL loved. We need to be loved and are inclined to respond to those specific languages. So to learn what it is that my wife is receptive to is the key to understanding her. If I speak her language, she can actually respond to me.

See in the past I used to caress her. Hold her hand, put my arm on her shoulder, etc. People used to comment on how ‘touchy’ we were. When I’m standing next to her, I put my hand in the small of her back. When were sleeping I would cuddle with her. This did not make a difference. There were times that she would even complain that my arm is “too heavy” and ask me to back off. So the “Physical Touch’ language was not what she wanted.

I even tried putting aside time, in the evenings, to spend with her. I would sit next to her and cringe thru watch her “novelas” (Spanish soaps). This did nothing. She would fall asleep and leave me to watch the novelas alone.

I would bring flowers home for her & she would say “that’s nice” and a lot of times it actually made a difference for her. But it really did not hit the spot. Sometimes she would just pickup where the argument left off.

I even reverted to doing the chores around the house. This made matters worse. The way she took this to mean was that I did not think she was doing a ‘good enough’ job. Psycho Crazy I know, but “Acts of Service” were definitely not the language that she needed.

I realized that my actions did not make a difference because these were all things that I valued as a way to express love. See I need physical affection to feel loved, so I thought that would be what she needs. I don’t need my wife telling me that she loves me. This is bizarre! So why would I do that.

So the reason for doing it is simple! It is what she needs and craves. So in order to ‘communicate’ with her and make her feel loved, I need to speak her language. This may not be easy because as Kerry at His Help Meet puts it – this “does not come naturally to me.” I need to make a conscious effort in order to communicate this way.

But it is definitely worth the effort in order to keep our relationship fulfilling for the both of us.

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Her Bad Mother’s Basement: No Thanks For Being A Friend

Today I have been avoiding a friend of mine. He’s called several times and I just did not want to talk with him. I’ve known him for more then 3 years & today I am feeling like those years were just a waste.

I’m sitting here reading blogs and came across Her Bad Mother’s Basement post No Thanks For Being A Friend and it ran me over like a rush hour express train!

I am so pissed off because I feel used by him. He promises big things and never comes through; Always tells me how he has had a major breakthru and that “he is not the same person” anymore, but within days he is back to his old ways. One moment he is powerful & the next he just turns into a disempowering soul & I allow him to disempower me. He is very insecure & vulnerable, but comes across as strong & transformed.

I feel bad for him, since life is not working for him. Work, relationships, finances, even commitments he’s made to people are collapsing around him. People are turning their backs on him & kicking him out of their homes, groups & lives. I feel that I am enabling him and feeding his need to be heard – all from the fear that he will see me as just another person who walks away. He is needy & I’m falling into his trap of “poor me, I am being abandoned.”

In HerBadMother’s post she states “I’m mad at myself for letting you off easy” & that is exactly what I’m feeling. I’m really mad at myself, not him, for not having the courage to put stop this. But the only way I see to stop his crap is to walk away. He does not want to see how he uses people and leaves them worn out.

So all I’m doing is making him wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! And that does not do anything for me or him. This is not empowering! So I am going to stop my rant (stepping down from soapbox now!) & actually see what is really bothering me.

What am I Doing: – complaining, being upset, making him wrong, avoiding him, feeling used, not being responsible for expressing my feelings.
What Do I Have: – wasted time, upset, a friendship that is not fulfilling, lost communication, expectations of how he should respond & do.
Who am I Being that I allow this to continue: – coward, fearful, not a true friend.

So I can definitely see that there is nothing I can do to change him. The only person I can do anything about is me. What can I put in (that is missing for me) to be OK happy & satisfied with our friendship the way it is – and the way it isn’t.

So what is missing in who I’m being is : – being empowering for myself! I am taking on being courageous, compassionate and an undaunting stand for him.

This gives me power to stand for myself and for him, but most importantly – it gives me power to not let things continue the way they are & to create something new for both of us.

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Blog the Recession

Came across Motherhood Uncensored’s blog & she has this great idea for all bloggers to help one another.

Help some bloggers by increasing pageview, contributing to their ad revenue. But an even simpler idea: Getting to know one another, even commenting on each other’s posts and helping each other out.

She calls it “Blog the Recession Month.”

Her idea is nice & the premise is simple:

If you read blogs, then for the month of August, make the “pledge” to click through from your feed reader. No obligation to leave a hilarious comment or send a long stalkerish email (although both, within reason, are always lovely). Just click through to the blog (not on ads unless you are so led) and if you’re feeling generous, click around to their older posts.

Just those extra page views can make a big difference for bloggers who could really use the help…

Pageviews, ad revenue but most important, comments. Comments are always nice to get. It helps me feel like someone is actually visiting & I’m not “sitting here blogging at myself.”

I love the idea because it’s fun, creates a community with like interests, and most of all allows me to feel like I am contributing something to you.

Welcome & Thanks for coming by…

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The Trivia of Life Keeps us from Experiencing our Greatness

I love music! but specially I love the lyrics. I love to understand what the lyrics of songs mean – or at least what the lyrics mean to me.

Here is another song that I like:

I look around at other people
I brush their shoulders at the corner of the street
But all they notice is their feet
It wasn’t meant this way
Their minds have gone astray

If they could lift their eyes they’d see
There’s people smiling just like me and I’ll agree
It’s not their fault because it’s raining
It’s all work and no play, it’s just another day

Love and beauty
Love and beauty
Should be everybody’s duty
To welcome every man as a friend

I wish that I could change the world
For every boy there’d be a girl for him to know
And maybe people would look up
Then they might realise they’re not the only ones alive”

— Love and Beauty by Mike Pinder of the Moody Blues

“I brush their shoulders…” tells me that he wants to connect/interact with them but they are too self absorbed to notice (all they notice is their feet). What he is describing makes me feel like an elevator moment. You know, that moment of awkward silence where nobody wants to even look into each other’s eyes. What are we avoiding? what are we afraid of?

“It’s not their fault because it’s raining. It’s all work and no play, it’s just another day…” continues by justifying those actions and giving us permission to keep it just that way. But what we do not realize is that this mechanism is what we all use to keep us from experiencing the greatness of other and our own greatness. We keep ourselves in our shells to avoid the other.

The everyday ‘trivia’ (as Monty Python calls it in Meaning of Life)is our circumstances, our problems, our human condition, our little voice in our head – that keeps us from experiencing who we really are and keeps us from experiencing the other. We keep ourselves in a state of being that is ordinary – never living our dreams.

We live a life of always wishing that “I could change the world” and the only hope we have is to live with the expectation that the other “might realise they’re not the only ones alive.”

The “mind fake” of it all is that most of us live our lives like those silent moment in the elevator. No one dares to look up because of the overwhelming subconcious fear that runs us. So therefore no one will ever notice. And if no one notices there is no desire to look up.

This loop of doubt and self-imposed isolation is intended by the ‘trivia’ to keep us from realizing our greatness. Oblivious to the fact that “Love and Beauty” is all that God has intended for us.

Like my favorite movie, the Matrix, suggest: “Take the red pill, Neo, and I’ll show you how deep the rabbit role goes…”

Do you live on in ignorance (and potentially bliss) by taking the blue pill – OR – do you lead what Aristotle called ‘the examined life’ and take the red pill?”
Matrix Philosophy

What do you think? Which pill would you choose?

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Detachment is Being Comfortable with the Ambiguities of Life

“Detachment is not a physical thing; it’s a mental phenomenon. Attachment could be said to be the same thing as fear and insecurity. Detachment is the same thing as being comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty, which are facts of life.”

– Deepak Chopra

A friend was sharing about his girlfriend and how – even knowing better – she still choose NOT to do what he considers to be the ‘right thing.’ He shared how when he asked why she would do that, she replied “leave me alone. Let me do what I want to do.” He was very upset & just continued to argue with her. He wanted some advise on how to convince her to do what he considered to be the ‘right’ thing.

I shared with him that people do what they will do and we cannot judge, dictate or even coach them into doing the ‘right’ thing – when they do not want to hear it. That is a choice they need to reach on their own & we need to be fine with their choice.

He was visibly very upset at her choice & asked me “so what should I do?” I responded “give up your attachment to needing to be right!” He paused for a bit & then said “What the f^*k are you talking about! She is the one not making the right choice. What do you mean – me – giving up my attachment!??”

No matter how much I tried to explain or get him to see that it is him that needs to accept and be detached from the upset, he would not hear of it.

So I shared with him this Zen Buddhist story:

Two monks are walking down a country road when they come upon a river. Suddenly a young girl, partially naked from her struggle with the river, runs up to them. She says, “The river flooded away everything I have and my family is on the other side. Can you help me get across to find them?”

The younger monk is flustered, a naked girl! He felt he needed to avoid the temptations of the flesh. But the older one picks up the naked girl, throws her over his shoulder and walks across the river. When he reaches the shore he puts her down, and without a word, walks on. The younger monk follows, but his mind is not at rest. How could his brother have touched a naked girl?

After a couple of hours he stops his brother and says, “Brother, we are supposed to be above things of the flesh! And yet you picked that girl up and carried her across the river.” The older monk replies, “Yes, you’re right and when I got to the other side I put her down. You have been carrying her ever since.”

The young monk carried the worry and the upset for the sins of the flesh, and could not let it go. He lived with the burden and the anguish of what he considered to be a ‘wrong’ doing much longer then the older monk did.

I explained the the moral of the story is that worrying of the burden of living into the considerations of right/wrong is more of a burden then the act itself!

Do celebrity nude you think I gave him the right advice?

I see it that the story is the same about everything in our lives. Once something is complete and we have fulfilled it’s purpose, we can choose to drop it from our minds. Holding it and wondering and questioning the right/wrong-ness of it ceases us from being who we really are in the moment. There is no reason to look back upon our choices.

What we have chosen to leave in the past ceases to be ours. Let it go & detach your ‘self’ from it Now & Forever!

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