That’s it!!! I don’t know why this works. She already knows that I love her, so why do I have to
repeat it over & over again! say it. But ‘saying’ the actual words is what made all the difference for her.
Once I started telling her how much I love her, her reactions to me became different. The way that I discovered this secret is that while cleaning the house, I ran into a workbook she had from a seminar called The Five Love Language. See one day a long while back she
dragged me out invited me to seminar. In this seminar I fell asleep learned that each of us have a language we use to express, but more importantly receive love. I have forgotten about it until now.
Here is an excerpt from the Five Love Languages website:
1. Words of Affirmation : Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” More»
2. Quality Time : Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. More»
3. Receiving Gifts : Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. More»
4. Acts of Service Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. More»
5. Physical Touch : Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. More»
The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman.
The Five love Languages are how we express love for one another. We may express love using all five, but only two or three actually make us FEEL loved. We need to be loved and are inclined to respond to those specific languages. So to learn what it is that my wife is receptive to is the key to understanding her. If I speak her language, she can actually respond to me.
See in the past I used to caress her. Hold her hand, put my arm on her shoulder, etc. People used to comment on how ‘touchy’ we were. When I’m standing next to her, I put my hand in the small of her back. When were sleeping I would cuddle with her. This did not make a difference. There were times that she would even complain that my arm is “too heavy” and ask me to back off. So the “Physical Touch’ language was not what she wanted.
I even tried putting aside time, in the evenings, to spend with her. I would sit next to her and
cringe thru watch her “novelas” (Spanish soaps). This did nothing. She would fall asleep and leave me to watch the novelas alone.
I would bring flowers home for her & she would say “that’s nice” and a lot of times it actually made a difference for her. But it really did not hit the spot. Sometimes she would just pickup where the argument left off.
I even reverted to doing the chores around the house. This made matters worse. The way she took this to mean was that I did not think she was doing a ‘good enough’ job.
Psycho Crazy I know, but “Acts of Service” were definitely not the language that she needed.
I realized that my actions did not make a difference because these were all things that I valued as a way to express love. See I need physical affection to feel loved, so I thought that would be what she needs. I don’t need my wife telling me that she loves me. This is bizarre! So why would I do that.
So the reason for doing it is simple! It is what she needs and craves. So in order to ‘communicate’ with her and make her feel loved, I need to speak her language. This may not be easy because as Kerry at His Help Meet puts it – this “does not come naturally to me.” I need to make a conscious effort in order to communicate this way.
But it is definitely worth the effort in order to keep our relationship fulfilling for the both of us.