Today I have been avoiding a friend of mine. He’s called several times and I just did not want to talk with him. I’ve known him for more then 3 years & today I am feeling like those years were just a waste.
I’m sitting here reading blogs and came across Her Bad Mother’s Basement post No Thanks For Being A Friend and it ran me over like a rush hour express train!
I am so pissed off because I feel used by him. He promises big things and never comes through; Always tells me how he has had a major breakthru and that “he is not the same person” anymore, but within days he is back to his old ways. One moment he is powerful & the next he just turns into a disempowering soul & I allow him to disempower me. He is very insecure & vulnerable, but comes across as strong & transformed.
I feel bad for him, since life is not working for him. Work, relationships, finances, even commitments he’s made to people are collapsing around him. People are turning their backs on him & kicking him out of their homes, groups & lives. I feel that I am enabling him and feeding his need to be heard – all from the fear that he will see me as just another person who walks away. He is needy & I’m falling into his trap of “poor me, I am being abandoned.”
In HerBadMother’s post she states “I’m mad at myself for letting you off easy” & that is exactly what I’m feeling. I’m really mad at myself, not him, for not having the courage to put stop this. But the only way I see to stop his crap is to walk away. He does not want to see how he uses people and leaves them worn out.
So all I’m doing is making him wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! And that does not do anything for me or him. This is not empowering! So I am going to stop my rant (stepping down from soapbox now!) & actually see what is really bothering me.
What am I Doing: – complaining, being upset, making him wrong, avoiding him, feeling used, not being responsible for expressing my feelings.
What Do I Have: – wasted time, upset, a friendship that is not fulfilling, lost communication, expectations of how he should respond & do.
Who am I Being that I allow this to continue: – coward, fearful, not a true friend.
So I can definitely see that there is nothing I can do to change him. The only person I can do anything about is me. What can I put in (that is missing for me) to be
OK happy & satisfied with our friendship the way it is – and the way it isn’t.
So what is missing in who I’m being is : – being empowering for myself! I am taking on being courageous, compassionate and an undaunting stand for him.
This gives me power to stand for myself and for him, but most importantly – it gives me power to not let things continue the way they are & to create something new for both of us.