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Knightly Challange

(Original date: May 29,1997)
What is this you ask?
Ask not for knowing will only torment you.

Torment! Ha!
Torment is an old acquaintance
as familiar as a playground bully
from my childhood days…
or as classic as a rejection
from a high school sweetheart.

So do not threaten with such impotent words
Words will not suffice in this battlefield.

This dream came just like my medieval dreams seem to. I am a young peasant boy with trashy clothes and a ‘mop top’ hair do. I have black hair and its dirty – almost shiny & greasy. This time I find myself transformed into a knight on a black horse in the mist of battle. The words are my challenge – too whom, I do not know…

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Superman can’t help us!

(original date: ??,1997)
Superman can’t help us
He’s in a wheelchair now.
It’s not his fault,
we should have learned
To take care of ourselves.

Where are our superheroes?
Now, when we need them the most.

Superman can’t help us
Who can save us now

Part of the feeling that I got with this dream (when Christopher Reeves had his accident) was that ‘Superman’ couldn’t help us now. I took this to mean that society’s inability to be responsible for its actions has left us defenseless. By relying on mythical imagery (tv stars, tv characters) to solve our societal turmoil, we have lost our self-reliance. Life does imitate art! Our needs are satisfied (more like – put off) by what we see in the movies. We make heroes of movie stars and professional athletes rather than looking within. Social leaders and members of our community are larger than life and can be a better role model & ‘superior’ mentors.

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I’m not a dummy!!

(original written: May 12,1997)
Why would God punish me this way??
This is such a harsh punishment for someone so young!

All I wanted was to be like the other kids. I just wanted to be an average kid. I wanted to lead a simple, mundane life – nothing special! I wanted to go to high school, go to the prom and move on with the rest of my life! I didn’t want to be treated differently and I don’t want all the kids staring at me!

Some people say that in between lives we choose what life to enter into next. We choose a life that will challenge us and allow us to fulfill goals so that our soul can progress to the next level. I wonder if that is what normally happens between lives. I wonder why I chose to enter this one?

On my quest for an everage life, I asked my parents to enroll me into a softball league. They were afraid, but conquered their fears and did it. I’m beginning to regret it! They are so harsh! They want me to do well. They want it more than I do.They push so hard – I sometimes wonder what they did to deserve this. Who did they make mad in a past life, to have to endure this life with me as their son? What did I do to make my parents mad?

I think I know what it was – but it was an accident! I didn’t mean to drop the ball. The coach puts me in right field. He wants me to do well, but doesn’t want to see me fail – so he gives me an easy position. All the kids say, “that’s a good spot for the dummy. Keep him out there!”

I’m no DUMMY!

But one day my chance came! The ball was coming right towards me. I tell myself “this is your chance. Show them what you can do! Show them how normal you really are.” I guess I was trying too hard. I was concentrating so hard on showing them… I showed them all right.

The soft, white ball was rolling just right! The threads were swirling and swirling in a slow motion dance. It was so sweet – spinning with the grace of a ballerina, and coming right towards me. The ball was high in the air and had a technologically precise trajectory, like a Patriot missile ready to hit its mark…

It seemed to approach me at a snail’s pace, though. So nice and slow, so peaceful that my mind wondered off into something else. I wondered off for what seemed like hours. I started to daydream. I never realized how beautiful the blue sky really is; nor how billowy the clouds seemed to be; nor how they swell up and turn dark right before a thunderstorm. I never realized how beautiful my mother’s blue eyes really are – or how swollen her sorrow seems to be when she cries. I wondered what makes her cry. I started to wonder why so many beautiful babies were being dumped in the trash like wilted lettuce. Or why mothers would abort a fetus just because he will be born with Down Syndrome. That does not sit right with me. There is no excuse for our inhumanity…

And that’s when it hit me. It hurt so bad!! That ball hit me dead on, like a sniper’s bullet – right between the eyes. All that planning and all that peacefulness was shattered like a tempered piece of glass. Little bits and pieces of my life all exposed, just laying on the floor – next to that soft, white ball I was supposed to catch. Forget the crowd screaming! Forget my teammates calling out to me to “pick it up!”

It is perfectly clear now. Forget it all – it no longer seemed to matter! I AM a no-good DUMMY!!! I don’t deserve to be here!

I am no longer ‘here.’ It all seems dark and cold and I’m very hungry. Where did everybody go!? This place seems so isolated and bleak. I don’t like being trapped in here – but I quess I deserve it. I deserve to be trapped here in my own world.

I miss my friends. I wish I could be out there playing with them. They are not so mean to me anymore – now that they know me better. We were going to play baseball today. We were going to make believe that we were major league ball players, like Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle, but I guess I deserve this punishment. I did embarrass them. I should have caught that ball.

My best friend said it was an easy fly ball, and that I should have caught it – but he comforts me by saying that I will do it next time. I miss being comforted by him. He knows just what to say to make me feel better.

I wish my parents did. They don’t talk much anymore.

This dream seems to have had a great impact on me. My wife tells me that I was crying in the middle of the night. Sobbing so hard & with such fear that she was afraid I was experiencing a horrible nightmare. But it did not feel like a nightmare. It did hurt me a lot and I do have strong feelings for what was happening in my dreams. It felt almost like a pastlife experience.

It seemed very real and almost as if I was really living through this – living the life of a blond Down-Syndrome boy about 12-14 yrs old. Sorta stodgy and very energetic. His life was so full of sunny days and billowy clouds, but off the horizon there was this one dark cloud he did not understand.

His realization that he was retarded hit him like a bullet. He was not aware why he was different until that moment. And the pain of that realization is what drove him into his darkness.

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Traffic Jam

This dream starts with me trying to get from Ft. Lauderdale to W.Palm Beach. I have Marcelo with me and I feel a strong sense of urgency to complete the trip. We start off in a truck driving up I-95. The voyage seems to be fraught with problems.

The truck starts to breakdown & I get runned off I-95 into a ghetto kind of neighborhood. I get back on the highway & then the truck turns into a car as we speed up I-95. The car gets a flat & I need to get off the highway to get gas as well. At the rest stop I go into the gas station & everything seems out of place. It looks very Russian. The lady behind the counter looks like a rustic Eastern-European ‘Helga’ stereotypical character. I walk up to the refrigerator & pull out a Pepsi. I can only tell it’s a Pepsi from the logo because the words are in Slavic on one side & Arabic on the other side of the bottle. I pay for my drink & get back into the car.

We start driving up I-95 again and feel like we have been driving for hours literally fighting the traffic. The traffic is very tough & I am fighting my way thru traffic. Then all of a sudden the car turns into a tricycle. I am pedaling as fast as I can & am keeping up with the cars, but feel as I am not getting anywhere. At this point I’m feeling helpless & the goal seems far out of my reach.

I decide to call Mercy to pick us up. She arrives and meets us back at the same rest stop. Again I go inside. The people inside are staring at me. Things feel strange. I step outside & I see Mercy carrying Marcelo on her arms. She is passing him along to a man, whom I’ve never seen before. He puts Marcelo into a white Chevy Monte Carlo. I get very anxious & run to get Marcelo out of the car. I push the man out of the way & I get Marcelo out. I am horrified to see that Marcelo has been dead & shrink wrapped into an air tight bag. I scream at the horror & try to get him out.

It is very strange to see a body dehydrated. I carry him inside the store crying and screaming for help. The people in the line ignore my pleas for help. I call to the lady at the counter to call 911 and she ignores me. The last lady in line calls out to her down syndrome older child. She tells him not to look at us. “It’s not polite to stare.”

What a horrible feeling of helplessness! I wake up from my dream crying & feeling that there is nothing I can do to improve my situation.

Dreams are supposed to be a subconscious reflection of your daily life. So with this in mind & I will try to analyze the dream. The sense of urgency & not being able to reach a destination might be due to a feeling of frustration with my career. The feeling of helplessness & hopelessness might be an indication of what I have been feeling lately. I have two houses to design & I have no desire to do so. I do not have any inspiration or desire to design them. Now to psycho-analyze myself, I guess that my indecision & inactivity is, in my dream, affecting my relationship with my family & I am feeling, sub-consciously, that if I do not fulfill my goal I will not be able to care for nor provide for my family.

The vehicles that I am using are not getting me where I want to be. Each one gets progressively smaller and slower. This maybe that I am depending on them to do for me what I need to do myself. I even try o get Mercy to “do it” for me. The part where Mercy passes Marcelo off to the stranger feels like Mercy is working against me. In the dream she is not contributing to accomplishing my goals. Marcelo is dehydrated because I have failed to provide for him.

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Valmi’s Visit

Many years ago I experienced a visitation that is still with me to this day. I was sleeping in my bed, when I am awaken by a soft female voice calling my name. I sit up in bed and catch a glimpse of something at the right hand corner of my room. There in the corner, next to the dresser is Valmi – just standing there. She was not a solid mass but a glowing, transparent image. Almost like an angel.

She says “I’m here just to say goodbye to you.” I ask her “where are you going” but she just ignores my question, smiles and tells me “take good care of your wife…”

The aura and glow around her starts flickering and then she fades away.

See Valmi for me was not only my brother-in-law’s sister, but she is Love, Peace & Joy. She was a very strong, tall woman with a very sweet and soothing voice. She worked as a butcher with tough hands, but with a very soft & loving touch.

She lives in Mt. Vernon, NY in a house that is partially owned by her, my brother-in-law & another one of their sisters. My brother-in-law would always invite our family to the parties there and that house was always – for me – full of fun, joy & freedom when I was a kid.

Something was telling me to go & visit her, since “there is no time left” is what I kept hearing. So I took a Saturday off to go see her. I visited her in that same house (maybe 100 miles away from Philly – where I was living at that time) just the week before my visitation. This time the joy was missing. She was very ill – dying of cancer – and a sadness in her eyes.

I saw her without her usual strength, without her usual happy smile and without her hair. She was almost embarrassed of the loss of hair – she did not want me to see her like that. But I had a very strong need to see her to I asked her husband to let my wife & I in. What I saw was a body physically ready to go, but a soul that still wanted to spread her joy to her family. She still had that soft touch.

So when she showed up in my bedroom that night, I could not sleep anymore. Her presence really made me wonder why had I experienced her & why was I seeing her as an aura. Two days later, I get a call from my sister in Florida. She gives me the news that Valmi passed away – just so happens – the same night & about the same time that I experienced my visitation.

It all makes sense to me now. She was talking to me and at the time I did not know why she was telling me this. But she said the following:

“Please ask my brother to care for my kids. He is the one that will do what’s right for them. And please keep an eye on my brothers and sisters so they will always know that I love them. Give them my love & joy.”

I always think of Valmi. She was a great person. Full of life – full of love and joy for everyone. She was a wonderful soul & by sharing my story, I want to give you the gift of Joy & Love she asked me to share with you.

I miss you Valmi! Thank you for allowing me to see that there is more to life then what we think we know. And that the Love & Joy you were – is still present for all.

Thank you for that gift.

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