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Where’s My Stuff?

Last night was a major dream night. Like normal, I had several dreams one after the other.

1st one was that robbers devastated our home. Everything we owned was gone. In my dream I woke up in the middle of the night, went downstairs to find that everything was gone. Our personal belongings, and my computers. I can’t believe that everything is gone! My life, my work, my home – what an empty feeling.

The strange thing about this dream is that I really value my family more than my belongings, yet in the dream Mercy & Marcelo were still asleep. They were Ok – and possibly not a concern, because in my dream that was not even a thought in my mind.

This dream comes after another dream I had a few days ago.

I was frozen by fear. I hear somebody jiggling the door of our bedroom balcony. I wake up and see their shadows but I can’t get up! I am frozen in my bed full of fear & hatred. Then I notice that I am talking to myself (Me asleep talking to me in the dream). I am telling myself to “get up, move – you need to stop them before they get in and hurt your family” just then I wake up, look at the door and realize that there was nobody there. I went downstairs & everything was fine. It was just a dream.

The scary part is that I can’t tell the difference between my dreams & reality. Only after analyzing them can I discern the real from my dreams. I woke up, got our of bed and went downstairs to confirm that everything was alright.

This seems to be a reoccurring dream. Always feel that somebody is trying to break into my home or that someone is watching me while I sleep. Several times I awake to the sound of metal crashing or glass breaking. But nothing – nowhere. I’ve talked with several neighbors & they did not hear anything overnight. I must be dreaming this and being awoken by my dream.

The Dream Doctor calls this type of dream “Night Terror” dreams caused by total darkness in the room & a subconsious fear of the dark.

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La Cosa Nostra

The 2nd dream tonight hit me hard. This night had to do with the Sopranos, but with no less a realistic feeling. I feel all the same feelings and even can’t tell what is real or a dream until I get up and touch my real environment. Weird huh!??

I met up with Tony Soprano. One day, while driving with my family in the car, we get scraped by a taxi. The driver just runs off not even concerned what he has done. I get so mad & I mention this to Tony. He says I have to do something about it & he gets me worked up so bad, that I track down the taxi driver. I want to get back at this guy, but only think of small, childish ways. I see him taking groceries out of his trunk. I tell Tony that I am going to steal his groceries so that it affects him – but in a minor way ONLY. As I find out later, Tony has different ideas – more adventurous, more deadly.

I track the taxi driver down & follow him. Tony tells me to act at first opportunity. I get a chance at the next stoplight, but I hesitate & do not act, waiting for another opportunity. Tony follows behind me in a black Suburban (just like on the show) & I get the impression he is mad that I did not act. Next the cab stops at a gated warehouse. Tony wants me to act then & there, but I say no “there are many security guards around” & shrug it off. I back off & run off to the church across the street. I guess I must have had my family with me because we all walk in together. We sit down & soon I realize that this is actually a town meeting discussion – of all things – Tony Soprano and what to do about him. I then realize that Tony & Silvio had followed me into the church and are sitting 6 rows behind me to the right. He is steaming now – for I had dragged him into his own “condemnation.”

He gets madder then hell when somebody on stage stands up and shouts that Tony is a “sleazy Mobster & that he needs to be made to disappear” Tony gets up and shouts back. Silvio, taking this as a hint, jumps to his feet & shoots the guy on stage – shoots him dead! Then Silvio turns to the chorus & shoots at the gray-headed balding guy, while screaming – “bye bye Senator.” Silvio shuts him dead between the eyes!! Then he turns and shoots the guy standing next to me. Everybody is frozen in fear and a few seconds seen to be hours of slow motion movie track. All of a sudden the movie track speed up, like “The Matrix.” Slow motion is now fast track & everybody is running for their lives. I don’t see my family – where are they!!

I get dragged outside by the rushing crowd. As I get near the doors of the church, somebody pulls me out of the crowd – a bodiless set of arms. Again the Matrix slow motion kicks in & I realize that the doors are a pair of huge medieval heavy wooden doors, with chunky metal strap & big black metal rivets that bolt the door together. Now Matrix fast track hits & I am then pulled to the side of the foyer, to a dark corner where I get surrounded by Tony’s guys. “Tony wants to see you” they tell me & a mean looking thug in a tight black tee shirt & mustache strikes me in the chest.

I am now fast-tracked outside, near the Guarded warehouse. Tony tells me that I am part of the “family” now & that I better not let him down. I feel an empty feeling – how can I get involved with such a crowd; how can I do this to my family. He motions me with his eyes towards the warehouse & Silvio nudges me into action. All this is in a non-spoken language, but I clearly understand what they want me to do & what will happen if I don’t.

I guess it’s a culmination of my stereotypical ideas of mobsters, but it is now happening to me. All this time I am wondering where my family could be. I get nudged into the moment again & I find myself at the gates to this warehouse.

We rush the gate, while out of the corner of my eye I see Silvio greasing the gate guard. Again in Matrix-like slow motion I see five hundred dollar bills get handed to the guard one-by-one each slowly being placed on the hand of this black man. One hundred; two hundred; three hundred; four hundred; five…. Then a Matrix-like rush sweeps by and fast track action kicks in. We are now stabbing the taxi driver that cut me off & the guys (notice my familiarity with these thugs – I am in an ethereal state where I am no longer in control of myself & I associate myself with them. I am no longer the schmuck dragged into this, but I am a willing participant – I am one of them!!) are taking bag after bag out of his trunk. Only I realize that these bags were not groceries but tons of cash! The taxi driver, for some reason I now know this, is a runner for a rival gang & Tony used me to start the attack!

I seem to rebel against this & they start attacking me. Matrix-like I feel a beating going on around me & to me, but feel nothing. I see a guy punch me in the face. I see the Rocky Balboa scene where he is struck in the face & spins in slow-mo. Spit and blood flies from my mouth into the air at an extremely slow pace, but no feelings whatsoever. I hit the floor, my cheek slapping the pavement & slow bouncing away to again slap the pavement as if bouncing. While laying there I look up. I look to the right & finally see Mercy. I look to the left & there is Marcelito sitting on the floor, behind a picnic table, arms stretch – waiting for me- I need to hug him! Matrix like I kick all these thugs. Knock them out & I am twisting & turning in the air (again in a Matrix-like slow-mo) flying towards Marcelo. I pick him up & hug him, for I feel this maybe the last time. I now run with Marcelo to hug Mercy who is locked behind gates.

She is there alone surrounded by a hazy fog & only darkness behind her. These gates surround a swale with benches around the perimeter. I am standing at the gate when one of Tony’s guys unlocks it & lets me in. “Tony is waiting” he says.

I now find myself sitting in the ring of benches surrounded by a lot of people from the town meeting. I notice the morning dew accumulated on the blades of grass that surrounds us. All I can see is a spooky, ominous fog. This mist is very thick & humid. My chest is very tight & I am finding it hard to breath. Mercy is about 20 people to the right of me in another bench. She is crying for fear of her life & I feel it – I feel her pain. It was my fault she & Marcelo are here & it is my fault we are going to die! All of a sudden, shots ring out and one-by-one all the people around us are shot. Next I see (Matrix-like) a shot whirling towards us. With its smoke trail behind it, the bullet approaches me almost as a 1,2,3… get ready feeling. I am frozen in fear and it hits me in the head. The next one hits Marcelo in the chest (I am now overwhelmed with sorrow, anger, fear, RAGE & a father’s PAIN!!) Marcelo dies in my arms! His lifeless body, still sitting on my lap. Suddenly, somebody pulls me off the seat & I run towards Mercy. I no longer see anybody else around us. But I do see more shots coming at us. Mercy is hit in the arm, the legs, her chest, right shoulder and finally in the head! Her life-less body falls to the ground. OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!!

I get hit again and fall on top of Mercy. HELP US LORD! For I feel Mercy starting to drift. I feel my body collapsing. My eyes – I can’t keep them open. They are closing & I can’t stop it. I now feel that I am regressing into myself – like the witch that Dorothy poured some water on- I feel like my soul is withdrawing within me. I am melting. NO THIS CANNOT BE! I feel death at by back & cannot shake it. Darker & darker is my life and further away is my existence.

They say that the body wakes you out of your sleep, right before you die – as a self-preservation mechanism. But I am still dreaming!! Mercy & Marcelo cannot be dead – this is a dream right!?? It has to be! GOD TELL ME IT IS. I need to help Mercy. I need to do something! My body is lifeless and there is so much darkness. I now float like a spirit as the only way to be able to move. I drift towards her face & tell Mercy that I love her & I will be there with her. She responds likewise, but in a faint voice. She is floating away!!! OH LORD I feel her spirit leaving her body & I feel her body go lifeless next to mine & I feel the cold waters of the river of death flowing between us. GOD HELP ME! Bye Mercy, Bye.

She drifts off towards heaven she is no longer with me! I look up and all I see is the black sky – its darkness only broken by the gray glowing spirits of all the people who are no longer here. They are drifting towards heaven looking down at me. It is my fault all this is happening.

Suddenly I get this warm sensation all over my body. I am not dead! I feel 20, 30, 40 bullets strike my legs, my back, my shoulders. But strangely enough, I feel no pain. GOD I feel them hitting me. What is going on! All of a sudden across the room I get this feeling – I feel a good white spirit calling for me. It is Marcelito’s spirit. Again this reoccurring Matrix-like shift drags me at light speed towards where his spirit is sitting. He is still here!! Thank you Lord! I get this warm feeling that the Lord has spared him from this horrible, senseless massacre. Along side of the bullets hitting my body & the kicks cracking my ribs, I start to feel a cold draft of rage & anger. I feel I need to do something about this. I need to get revenge against Tony!!

My mind starts to drift & I see myself, in the future, at this conference. I am on stage (I feel Marcelo next to me but I can’t see him) talking about mob crimes & activities.

I now hear a beeping of machines around me & I hear this echo of people talking. “Doctor, we are loosing him!” I call out to the doctor, BUT HE DOESN’T HEAR ME!! I am asking them “where is my son!??” but they do not hear me. I struggle to see what is going on but cannot open my eyes. What a horrible feeling of rage, loneliness and sorrow!

Anger and rage are my main feelings. Also I feel that this is real & that I have lost my family! I woke up, got out of bed and touched Mercy. Yes, she is warm & next to me. I went and felt Marcelo & was ecstatic that he was there. Even at this moment (hrs after waking up in the AM) I feel that pain and anger. I just talked to Mercy on the phone & Marcelo just nudged me, so I know they are alive and well, but cannot shake this feeling of doom & gloom. I feel that at any moment now he will be after me again. HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS

Lets start figuring this out. Looking back it looks as if Tony had set me up.

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Thank You Lord!

(Original Date: Oct 8, 1997)
Thank you Lord for allowing us to
Experience the true meaning of life.

By bringing forth our first born, you have sent
An angel from heaven to usher in happiness
A newborn life is truly a gift from heaven

We praise you Lord for this momentary glimpse
Of heaven on earth, for he is truly an angel
Heaven-sent to guide us in our journey through life.

This dream was a vivid glimpse at the birth of my son (actually my son is not born yet). In this dream I see a child birth & am rejoicing at the miricle that it is

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Where to now!?

It has been a very, very long time since I did any entries to this journal, but my life has not been eventless, just not interested it this journal for some reason. I have many dreams that are full of stories to tell me and many more that are starting to worry me. All seem to be about past lives. They feel so real. As if my spirit left my body to return to another life. Again I have not written down any of them. Why?? I do not know. Fear or just disgusted with my dreams.

Looking back at the ones that I did write does offer some insight to what my soul is trying to tell me. I feel that I am fearful of something and that this something is holding me back. Holding me back from what & why?? I always seem to be struggling with something. I now feel that the struggle is within myself and with myself. I do not know why I feel this way, but I do. Maybe because it is I who has the problem & it is I who is holding back. And it is I who has the solution.

Or is that the problem. Over analyzing matters and feeling that only I can do something about it. Again it seems to be an issue of control. Feeling that I am everything & opening up to others & asking for their help is out of the question.

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Bella Mercedes

I start this dream as a young boy in love with this beautiful black haired, Latin girl. She is wearing a beautiful, flowing dress, indicative of her free spirit soul. We must be 10-12 years old. I am wearing black pants bunched up around the shins (puffy-like) & a striped shirt with suspenders. I feel a hat on my head, kind of leaning forward, towards the right & a belt surrounding my waist. She is telling me that she can no longer see me for she is moving away.

Her parents are separating us & there is nothing that I can say or do about it. I go to her house to say goodbye & her mom turns me away. The morning she is due to leave town, I go to her house. Her dad turned me away with such anger! What did I do?? I am forced to see her afar. I stand at the foot of the slope looking up that tall weathered stone wall. We used to climb and play on that wall as naive children. Life was full of joy & peace back then. The same wall that was the center of our joy together now drips with moss and is water stained – leaving long, sad track, like the tears running down my face.

Towards the right I see her standing there in front of her house. She sees me – waves to me and then is slapped, so as to stop her from waving to me. That moment my life is shattered as her mother drags her away and loads her in the back of a big black shiny sedan. I feel that the times are 1930’s & I see everything in black & white. I see myself, and all this, as a spectator in a movie theater now. The camera pulls the scene back. It zooms out behind me and shows me in the foreground looking up the slope towards her. As I walk up the street past our slope, the camera follows me to the left, the car she is in, drives off to the right and away she goes out of sight, out of the scene – and – out of my life.

As I walk up the hill I start crying and getting older. Half way up the hill I am a young man, about 18 now. I focus on the rough, broken stone wall of the building to my right, that accompanies me on my journey up the hill. My life progresses and I continue on the same path. When I reach the cobblestone intersection at the top of the hill, I turn right. I now feel as if I am about 25-28 years old. Time has past so quickly & what have I accomplished? My friends come running towards me from the left and spin me around towards the right. They spin me as if to lift my spirits and tell me to get over her. “How can I, she still fills my heart” I said. They tell me that it’s hopeless and that she no longer lives in this village. As we spin more I hear a faint voice call out my name & shout out “she is closer than you think.” I begin to wonder where can she be. As I spin to the right the camera zooms back and then freezes in place. We spin out of the picture towards the right.

The camera still in its frozen state starts slowly to zoom in to the beauty shop across the street. The shot flies in thru the window and the darkness of black & white turns to a vivid/vibrant rainbow of colors; across the person sitting in the front chair; Over the beautician, who is taking care of this beautiful young girl in the next chair. The camera stops behind this girl’s head & focuses on the mirror in front of her. First the image is blurry, and it’s difficult to make out a face – but then the camera starts to focus on the reflection in the mirror and – it’s her! Bella Mercedes! with her fine curls & her manicured hands! She is so close… yet so – so far from me, from my heart, from my soul.

We seem to continue living a life of missed opportunities. Getting older & always swirling away from one another. Always like the shape of a ying-yang. Me going & her coming. The two never meeting, but like the ying-yang, swirling together to be what we have become.

The next scene finds me a bitter old man. Walking back on the same street. Walking to the left of the scene, all alone with shabby torn, worn-out clothes. I walk with a cane holding up my very existence. I am slumped over and feel weak as if life had beaten me to my last glimmer of hope. Again life presents an opportunity & I do not see the forest for the trees. Overwhelmed in self-pity and sorrow, I miss her coming by in her glowing horse-driven carriage going on with her life. She rides off to the right as I walk, drained and overwhelmed with self-doubt, off the scene to the left. As her carriage, and my life, passes me by I hear a siren song softly playing in the background. It is the song of Bella Mercedes & it talks of joyful days long gone, hoping for yesterday to return – while letting tomorrow slip thru my fingers. It is the song of my sorrows for the Bella Mercedes of my youth.

Each and every time that a chance encounter was lost I would hear this beautiful song in the background. The song is in Spanish & it’s about Mercedes the black-haired girl of my past (but also the name of my wife – Mercy). I do not remember her face, but get a feeling that it is Mercy. Lamenting how I have lost her, the song offers hope that we will one day see each other again. The odd thing about this dream is that even thought I woke up several times during the night, the dream had its continuation. Almost as if the pause button was pressed every time I woke up & the play button was pressed when I fell asleep.

Strangely enough it played out like a movie or should I say a lucid dream where I am aware that I am dreaming and can put on hold whenever I feel a need to.

It is strange! In my waking life I do not feel that I am lamenting something lost. But in this dream everything is full of sorrow and self-lamenting. In this dream life, I seem to have let life go by. I see all the different stages of my life wasted in self-pity and full of lost opportunities.

But the most informative part is the ‘story playing out like a movie’. Whenever I could not handle my sorrow the action became a scene in a movie. I walked away from it.

Carpe Diam my friends!

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