With the window now opened
I stand here exposed.
Who am I
Who do I perceive me to be.
Becoming aware that you are there.
I hurry outside to the sunlit street.
So as not to be the focus of your gaze.
I walk down to the playground to
blend in – to disappear – to forget.
My mind rehashes the day’s events…
Can my mother be right? Or is it
my younger sister who is right?
Or could it be that my older sister
deserves the Right to be right.
Where does the truth lie?
On what side of my pristine, white
picket fence shall I stand?
Who should I talk to
to show them the way?
As I walk the streets of my life,
I reach an intersection.
Strong crosswinds catch me off guard.
Disoriented, I spin to keep my balance again
Or… maybe for the first time.
I’m trying to stay in control & not let
the situation control me.
I take a breather
& escape into a Blockbuster.
In the background I hear Al Pacino’s quote
“Every time I try to get out,
they pulling me back in!”
Should I walk away from this??
But what if I don’t fix things?
will my sisters still love each other?
Will they still be there for me
when the sun sets in the west?
Now at the playground, I see myself
hanging on to the spinning wheel game.
I spin & spin looking at the sun
whirling around – loosing my ground.
Afraid to let go, I hang for dear life
afraid of what could happen
if I do let go.
I hear Pacino over & over again
Ringing in my head.
I can no longer remain the “fix-it-man”
I need to stop this wheel
so I can let go.
I need to let my family
be what it needs to be.
A position of power. A point of strength
A clearing required for my rebirth.
A memory that strikes me when writing this, was when my parents divorced.
I felt abandoned. I felt lost. I realize now that the character I have allowed to control my life is the “fix-it-man.”
I’ve been doing this because I was afraid that if I stopped trying to make things right – I would lose my mother & sisters as well. I know that this is just a perception, but one that has been controlling my life.
What I visualized was the day I am at my deathbed. Which sister would be there by my side & which one would stay away just to avoid the other. It’s funny, we see it all the time in sitcoms & in tv dramas. Brothers and sisters who have not spoken to each other in many, many years – all because one said something the other did not agree with. This is not funny nor dramatic – it is sad. I have seem many old men & women, in the nursing homes, die all alone just because of this issue.
No! it is not acceptable! I hereby take a stand for powerful listening, love and family.