With the window now opened…

With the window now opened
I stand here exposed.
Who am I
Who do I perceive me to be.

Becoming aware that you are there.
I hurry outside to the sunlit street.
So as not to be the focus of your gaze.

I walk down to the playground to
blend in – to disappear – to forget.

My mind rehashes the day’s events…
Can my mother be right? Or is it
my younger sister who is right?
Or could it be that my older sister
deserves the Right to be right.

Where does the truth lie?
On what side of my pristine, white
picket fence shall I stand?
Who should I talk to
to show them the way?

As I walk the streets of my life,
I reach an intersection.
Strong crosswinds catch me off guard.
Disoriented, I spin to keep my balance again
Or… maybe for the first time.
I’m trying to stay in control & not let
the situation control me.

I take a breather
& escape into a Blockbuster.
In the background I hear Al Pacino’s quote
“Every time I try to get out,
they pulling me back in!”

Should I walk away from this??
But what if I don’t fix things?
will my sisters still love each other?
Will they still be there for me
when the sun sets in the west?

Now at the playground, I see myself
hanging on to the spinning wheel game.
I spin & spin looking at the sun
whirling around – loosing my ground.
Afraid to let go, I hang for dear life
afraid of what could happen
if I do let go.

I hear Pacino over & over again
Ringing in my head.
I can no longer remain the “fix-it-man”
I need to stop this wheel
so I can let go.

I need to let my family
be what it needs to be.

A position of power. A point of strength
A clearing required for my rebirth.

A memory that strikes me when writing this, was when my parents divorced.
I felt abandoned. I felt lost. I realize now that the character I have allowed to control my life is the “fix-it-man.”
I’ve been doing this because I was afraid that if I stopped trying to make things right – I would lose my mother & sisters as well. I know that this is just a perception, but one that has been controlling my life.

What I visualized was the day I am at my deathbed. Which sister would be there by my side & which one would stay away just to avoid the other. It’s funny, we see it all the time in sitcoms & in tv dramas. Brothers and sisters who have not spoken to each other in many, many years – all because one said something the other did not agree with. This is not funny nor dramatic – it is sad. I have seem many old men & women, in the nursing homes, die all alone just because of this issue.

No! it is not acceptable! I hereby take a stand for powerful listening, love and family.

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Approaching the Gateway

I don’t want to put thoughts into your mind. Yes, the realist in me would say that this is just camera failure – leave it at that. But why now? Why for images of the descansos?

Sorry can’t help myself – what are these people doing in the middle of the road!? This image looks like white lighters are waiting for me at the gateway. Welcoming me to another world.

Just look at the larger image I you will see what I mean.

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What is yet to Come

This is a third image, I’m posting, of my first attempt to photograph the descanso.

As I explained, I can take pictures just fine. I have done it before, actually the pictures I took just hours before were fine. But now that I am trying to document the descansos – the pictures are, all of a sudden, not coming out well.

Anyway, the images I did get are very surreal & almost mystic. This image looks like a group of people heading up the road off into the sunset. What is yet to come is only available ahead of the roadway.

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Waiting Around

Another picture that ended up differently than intended. This was after taking the image of the “descanso” marker. On my way back home I took some images of the road. Again it was broad daylight (look at the lightpost – no lights on) but the image is dark & ominous. The sky was a bright blue & the clouds were white with a bright red glow from the setting sun. The impression that I got from this image is of a group of people just waiting around. Almost like drifting souls looking for direction & guidance. Off to the left comes the white lighters that will guide them further.

I cannot understand what happened (I know – camera failure) but the images are quite eerie & mystically wonderful.

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The Guardians

“– The Guardians”

I started documenting my Descansos project & ran into some – for a lack of a better word – strangeness. I was taking a picture of a “descanso” – a place of rest along our journey of life. I got this strange feeling that I was invading somebody’s privacy.

I took this picture in broad daylight as the sun was beginning to set. No special filters/effects, just the camera acting strange. The sky was a beautiful red, but as you can see the camera decided on a different image. I was focusing on the “Drive Safely” marker. The setup was perfect. The marker was in the foreground with a lone rail car left on the rail tracks & some tall trees in the background. Beyond that were some beautiful red clouds in the sky & a power pole on the right.

I call this one “The Guardians” because it looks like a group looking over the marker that is glowing below from the flash. The whole background is pitch black & the pole looks like a cross. The camera was set at auto iso, so it should have taken the image very clearly (as were the previous images I took hours before of a mundane object).

I do not know what happened or why but it is as if I was not meant to get these pictures. I took about (20) & they are all distorted in one way or another. I will post several more just because they are strangely beautiful.

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Vivid dreams that intrigue – or – just torment. Written thoughts that open doors & open minds, allowing me to see the truth hiding in the shadows. "A dream which is not interpreted is like a letter which is not read." — The Talmud