Vivid Dreamscapes

As a child I have always held the belief that ‘Family Comes First.’ I have always lived that way & even considered a ‘value’ worth having.

Little by little family members grow up, each sibling has a family of their own & they each have their own priorities. As the expression goes ‘that’s life!’ But somehow I still held on to the believe that family comes first. If I had a conflict in schedule between a family event or a personal event, the family event won – no questions asked. Of course over the years friends saw this & they went their seperate ways, loves I’ve had were envious & also went their way. Sitting alone I pondered if I’ve made the right decision, along came one of my sister to offer a shoulder to cry on & I knew I have.

Over the years and over the days. Weeks come & go like the wind. The winds of last few years have been tough. The economy, the bickering & the death of our mother has torn us apart. And my family, like the sand on the beach, some gather up in dunes & some wash away. My believe of ‘family comes first’ has withered away. Now all I can do is dream of days gone by.

But that dream and desire still exists in me. I long for a close knit family & maybe naively I still live like ‘family comes first’ even though that is not the way some of my siblings feel. So I hold on steadfast.

I remember when my father-in-law had a stroke, my wife & I took care of him. Rushing him to the hospital in the late-night hours due to an emergency, Mercy would go & I took care of the homefront – we worked as a team. I have had to change my daily plans to be there for my wife & her father. It was tough, but I did it – not as a sacrifice – but because family comes first. He lived with us, in our home on a hospital bed unable to move or communicate for seven months. We cared for him. It was not easy, but it was not a drudgery. This is what families do – be there for each other – right?

I am reminded of all the times that he came to my rescue, night or day. Anytime – I knew we could always count on him. He already knew that family comes first. So when it was time to care for him my thought is – It is the least I could do!

Even yesterday! My wife’s car broke down. I was not at home nor nearby to help her, but my brother & her best-cousin were there! They went no questions asked! No matter the distance or the inconvenience – They were there.

Even though it does not look like it used to, I still hold my believe that my family will believe in ‘family comes first.’ Yes my hope flickers like the message alert on my cell phone. Silently blinking. Patiently waiting to be noticed. But I still hold it as a value worth having.

On this day before Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks for my family. The way they are and the way that they are not – in my life.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”
– Ho­ra­tio G. Spaf­ford

I can say that it is truly well with my soul and there really is ‘nothing wrong’ in the overall scheme of things.

Last night my aunt Olga passed away. She had been living 15 years on dialisys for a kidney transplant that never took. This had been affecting her all these years and her body just could not take it anymore. She suffered imensely thru those years and finally, her body was hit with a brain hemmorage. She refused to allow the doctors to operate and release the pressure. She refused any and all treatments and in doing so she sealed her fate. The next day she lapsed into a coma, from which she never awoke.

I just realized that the dreams I’ve been having about the women submitting to their death relates to my aunt! She has been suffering too long.

The graphic nature of my dreams was to express the pain & agony she must have been living with all those years. A prisoner to her own body, she needed to be free. Choosing to die is actually choosing to be free. She is now free from all the suffering and she is free and with God in peace.

Peace be with you, Tia…

“There, by sharing something, I realized that I’m not alone, that there is a lot of people that share with me the same preoccupations, the same ideas, the same ideals, and the same quest for a meaning for this life.”
– Paulo Coelho

It’s been a few months since I’ve written any posts here. Let me rephrase that – I have written them, they’re there, but they sit there unpublished – just waiting for me to push the ‘publish’ button. So now I have lots of ‘draft’ posts just sitting – in bold red – there waiting to be posted.

Waiting for what, I don’t know…

“You are selfish!” is what my friend Beatriz yelled at me when I shared with her what I have been doing. “Share yourself, anyway! Don’t hide behind the Vail…” is what she said as she nudged my shoulder.

So here I am sharing myself. The posts have mostly been about SM, and another visitation that culminated this week, when my aunt Olga passed away. The ‘Vail’ I was hiding behind is that they hit too close to home. I was afraid of sharing – didn’t even share it with my wife.

I have been afraid that these two deaths impacted me in a deep spiritual way! I don’t know what you believe about me seeing the spirits of people as they are leaving this realm, or if even you believe me. But that is what shows up around me!

I’ve always had it that it was weird & freaky. Well because when I was a kid, my friends thought it was freaky! This definition had stuck with me till now, obviously.

I still hear it once in a while, “He’s the weirdo who sees people die, stay away or he’ll make us die!”
But as they say… those are childhood stories, get over it….

But isn’t that why I started this blog – to share my experiences – no matter what my ‘little voice’ has to say about it.

And I also know that people need to get closure & the ‘spirits’ communicate thru me so that people left behind to deal with the loss, can get closure…

That’s my purpose, like it or not!

So for the next day or two I will be re-start ‘publishing’ my posts with their original dates. Sorry if the feed is out of order.

i found myself at the foot of the I-95 off ramp & I am debating giving a homeless man some money. I immediately thought he’s a wino, a bum – he’s going to waste it on whatever BS – I think. So I said God – no judgement. I will give just because.

So the test I gave God was : if the light turns red then I will give him money. If not – then oh well… So of course! the light turns red & I stop. I open the window & call this guy over to give him a buck.

He comes over with a big smile on his face & humbly says thank you. He immediately changed my mood. He also tells me “God bless you” and says that his sign got ruined.

“I need it to tell my story.” he adds.

So I asked him what is your story. “I am just a homeless man” he says “you could even call me a bum. I drink, yes I may be a wino, but I am also human. Your dollar will help me to stay alive another day. Thanks Lord.”

This was a sobering thought. He was repeating the words I was using to judge him & he reminded that God does listen & talks with us! Only we choose when we want to listen to Him.

This morning I woke up from another vivid dream. I had been dreaming about SM & I was having a conversation with him as to why I saw him the way I did. In the dream SM never seemed to be interested in answering what I wanted to know, it was almost as if he would only explain what his purpose was. He explained that he wants his wife, TR, to know that everything is going to be OK. That his passing is as has to be & that there is nothing wrong.

See SM & TR were newlyweds and at the time of his passing they were only married 6-8 months. Of course loosing her newlywed husband is a tragic experience for TR & I asked SM “How am I going to tell her in the mist of this grief?”

SM replied “don’t worry she will contact you when it’s time!” This kind of gave me a sigh of relief – since I didn’t have to find the right moment to tell her.

When I awoke from the dream I felt a great sense of peace & tranquility. See on the day of the accident I went down to see TR and I was there consoling her for a few hours. I knew I had to tell her how I saw SM, but did not dare. I was there for her & I had to consider what her needs were. She cried a lot and kept saying “what am I going to do without SM?”

Then during the funeral services I was holding back the urge to blurt out what I knew. I felt guilty, all that time, that I knew something & said nothing. The funeral service was gigantic – it was not the appropriate time to tell her this! Hundreds of people were there and hundreds more could not be. See SM was a powerful man & he contributed to so many people around the world. He was bigger then life & bigger then I even imagined.

Condolences poured in from all over the world. There even was a conference call, the night previous, for all the people that knew SM, and could not be at his funeral, to express who SM was for them. Interesting enough there more then 100 persons on the call. People from India, Japan, Australia and even New Zealand. That is how big his presence is in this world.

Now, with this vivid dream, I am at ease knowing that my gut feelings are confirmed – it was not the right time to tell her.

It’s funny, most people (or at least the myths & tv movies) believe that ‘ghosts’ have unfinished business, that is why they hang around. But from my experiences, it is not them – but us – the living who keep them from crossing over. They are complete & it is time for them to go, but we have a hard time letting go. We call them back to this realm.

So anyway, the message that SM wanted TR to know, is that because of her, he can go complete. She fulfills and completes what was not there for him. It was her love for him that allowed him to be fulfilled.

Having been loved and being ‘love’ was important for him in order to complete.