Tag Archives: Story

I’m not a dummy!!

(original written: May 12,1997)
Why would God punish me this way??
This is such a harsh punishment for someone so young!

All I wanted was to be like the other kids. I just wanted to be an average kid. I wanted to lead a simple, mundane life – nothing special! I wanted to go to high school, go to the prom and move on with the rest of my life! I didn’t want to be treated differently and I don’t want all the kids staring at me!

Some people say that in between lives we choose what life to enter into next. We choose a life that will challenge us and allow us to fulfill goals so that our soul can progress to the next level. I wonder if that is what normally happens between lives. I wonder why I chose to enter this one?

On my quest for an everage life, I asked my parents to enroll me into a softball league. They were afraid, but conquered their fears and did it. I’m beginning to regret it! They are so harsh! They want me to do well. They want it more than I do.They push so hard – I sometimes wonder what they did to deserve this. Who did they make mad in a past life, to have to endure this life with me as their son? What did I do to make my parents mad?

I think I know what it was – but it was an accident! I didn’t mean to drop the ball. The coach puts me in right field. He wants me to do well, but doesn’t want to see me fail – so he gives me an easy position. All the kids say, “that’s a good spot for the dummy. Keep him out there!”

I’m no DUMMY!

But one day my chance came! The ball was coming right towards me. I tell myself “this is your chance. Show them what you can do! Show them how normal you really are.” I guess I was trying too hard. I was concentrating so hard on showing them… I showed them all right.

The soft, white ball was rolling just right! The threads were swirling and swirling in a slow motion dance. It was so sweet – spinning with the grace of a ballerina, and coming right towards me. The ball was high in the air and had a technologically precise trajectory, like a Patriot missile ready to hit its mark…

It seemed to approach me at a snail’s pace, though. So nice and slow, so peaceful that my mind wondered off into something else. I wondered off for what seemed like hours. I started to daydream. I never realized how beautiful the blue sky really is; nor how billowy the clouds seemed to be; nor how they swell up and turn dark right before a thunderstorm. I never realized how beautiful my mother’s blue eyes really are – or how swollen her sorrow seems to be when she cries. I wondered what makes her cry. I started to wonder why so many beautiful babies were being dumped in the trash like wilted lettuce. Or why mothers would abort a fetus just because he will be born with Down Syndrome. That does not sit right with me. There is no excuse for our inhumanity…

And that’s when it hit me. It hurt so bad!! That ball hit me dead on, like a sniper’s bullet – right between the eyes. All that planning and all that peacefulness was shattered like a tempered piece of glass. Little bits and pieces of my life all exposed, just laying on the floor – next to that soft, white ball I was supposed to catch. Forget the crowd screaming! Forget my teammates calling out to me to “pick it up!”

It is perfectly clear now. Forget it all – it no longer seemed to matter! I AM a no-good DUMMY!!! I don’t deserve to be here!

I am no longer ‘here.’ It all seems dark and cold and I’m very hungry. Where did everybody go!? This place seems so isolated and bleak. I don’t like being trapped in here – but I quess I deserve it. I deserve to be trapped here in my own world.

I miss my friends. I wish I could be out there playing with them. They are not so mean to me anymore – now that they know me better. We were going to play baseball today. We were going to make believe that we were major league ball players, like Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle, but I guess I deserve this punishment. I did embarrass them. I should have caught that ball.

My best friend said it was an easy fly ball, and that I should have caught it – but he comforts me by saying that I will do it next time. I miss being comforted by him. He knows just what to say to make me feel better.

I wish my parents did. They don’t talk much anymore.


This dream seems to have had a great impact on me. My wife tells me that I was crying in the middle of the night. Sobbing so hard & with such fear that she was afraid I was experiencing a horrible nightmare. But it did not feel like a nightmare. It did hurt me a lot and I do have strong feelings for what was happening in my dreams. It felt almost like a pastlife experience.

It seemed very real and almost as if I was really living through this – living the life of a blond Down-Syndrome boy about 12-14 yrs old. Sorta stodgy and very energetic. His life was so full of sunny days and billowy clouds, but off the horizon there was this one dark cloud he did not understand.

His realization that he was retarded hit him like a bullet. He was not aware why he was different until that moment. And the pain of that realization is what drove him into his darkness.


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Bella Mercedes

I start this dream as a young boy in love with this beautiful black haired, Latin girl. She is wearing a beautiful, flowing dress, indicative of her free spirit soul. We must be 10-12 years celebrity nudes old. I am wearing black pants bunched up around the shins (puffy-like) & a striped shirt with suspenders. I feel a hat on my head, kind of leaning forward, towards the right & a belt surrounding my waist. She is telling me that she can no longer see me for she is moving away.

Her parents are separating us & there is nothing that I can say or do about it. I go to her house to say goodbye & her mom turns me away. The morning she is due to leave town, I go to her house. Her dad turned me away with such anger! What did I do?? I am forced to see her afar. I stand at the foot of the slope looking up that tall weathered stone wall. We used to climb and play on that wall as naive children. Life was full of joy & peace back then. The same wall that was the center of our joy together now drips with moss and is water stained – leaving long, sad track, like the tears running down my face.

Towards the right I see her standing there in front of her house. She sees me – waves to me and then is slapped, so as to stop her from waving to me. That moment my life is shattered as her mother drags her away and loads her in the back of a big black shiny sedan. I feel that the times are 1930’s & I see everything in black & white. I see myself, and all this, as a spectator in a movie theater now. The camera pulls the scene back. It zooms out behind me and shows me in the foreground looking up the slope towards her. As I walk up the street past our slope, the camera follows me to the left, the car she is in, drives off to the right and away she goes out of sight, out of the scene – and – out of my life.

As I walk up the hill I start crying and getting older. Half way up the hill I am a young man, about 18 now. I focus on the rough, broken stone wall of the building to my right, that accompanies me on my journey up the hill. My life progresses and I continue on the same path. When I reach the cobblestone intersection at the top of the hill, I turn right. I now feel as if I am about 25-28 years old. Time has past so quickly & what have I accomplished? My friends come running towards me from the left and spin me around towards the right. They spin me as if to lift my spirits and tell me to get over her. “How can I, she still fills my heart” I said. They tell me that it’s hopeless and that she no longer lives in this village. As we spin more I hear a faint voice call out my name & shout out “she is closer than you think.” I begin to wonder where can she be. As I spin to the right the camera zooms back and then freezes in place. We spin out of the picture towards the right.

The camera still in its frozen state starts slowly to zoom in to the beauty shop across the street. The shot flies in thru the window and the darkness of black & white turns to a vivid/vibrant rainbow of colors; across the person sitting in the front chair; Over the beautician, who is taking care of this beautiful young girl in the next chair. The camera stops behind this girl’s head & focuses on the mirror in front of her. First the image is blurry, and it’s difficult to make out a face – but then the camera starts to focus on the reflection in the mirror and – it’s her! Bella Mercedes! with her fine curls & her manicured hands! She is so close… yet so – so far from me, from my heart, from my soul.

We seem to continue living a life of missed opportunities. Getting older & always swirling away from one another. Always like the shape of a ying-yang. Me going & her coming. The two never meeting, but like the ying-yang, swirling together to be what we have become.

The next scene finds me a bitter old man. Walking back on the same street. Walking to the left of the scene, all alone with shabby torn, worn-out clothes. I walk with a cane holding up my very existence. I am slumped over and feel weak as if life had beaten me to my last glimmer of hope. Again life presents an opportunity & I do not see the forest for the trees. Overwhelmed in self-pity and sorrow, I miss her coming by in her glowing horse-driven carriage going on with her life. She rides off to the right as I walk, drained and overwhelmed with self-doubt, off the scene to the left. As her carriage, and my life, passes me by I hear a siren song softly playing in the background. It is the song of Bella Mercedes & it talks of joyful days long gone, hoping for yesterday to return – while letting tomorrow slip thru my fingers. It is the song of my sorrows for the Bella Mercedes of my youth.



Each and every time that a chance encounter was lost I would hear this beautiful song in the background. The song is in Spanish & it’s about Mercedes the black-haired girl of my past (but also the name of my wife – Mercy). I do not remember her face, but get a feeling that it is Mercy. Lamenting how I have lost her, the song offers hope that we will one day see each other again. The odd thing about this dream is that even thought I woke up several times during the night, the dream had its continuation. Almost as if the pause button was pressed every time I woke up & the play button was pressed when I fell asleep.

Strangely enough it played out like a movie or should I say a lucid dream where I am aware that I am dreaming and can put on hold whenever I feel a need to.

It is strange! In my waking life I do not feel that I am lamenting something lost. But in this dream everything is full of sorrow and self-lamenting. In this dream life, I seem to have let life go by. I see all the different stages of my life wasted in self-pity and full of lost opportunities.

But the most informative part is the ‘story playing out like a movie’. Whenever I could not handle my sorrow the action became a scene in a movie. I walked away from it.

Carpe Diam my friends!


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