Tag Archives: Spirituality

The Legacy of Peace & Unity

I would like to share with you what I’ve been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be ‘strong’ for my family. It’s been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief – forget being vulnerable! I’ve dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I ‘had’ to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I’m afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When Pipo & Mima died I ‘had’ to be strong for my wife & son. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer’s. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her “I am your daughter, do you remember me?” and Mima replied “I don’t have a daughter!” She cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can’t comprehend what is happening to her. I don’t know why I did not cry at her funeral – maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of my family. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo’s hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to ‘deal’ with that & looking back – so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ‘strong suit’ really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been ‘strong’ & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How that leaves me feeling is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I interact with friends and family, I am really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because you too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell you about my life, because of the fear that you may find me out or you may judge me. I get the feeling that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

What I ask of you is that when I leave you in a funk, that you stop and ask me “what just happened?” I know that these promises are big & I may falter sometimes. I ask that you not judge it, but stretch out a hand and help me up. I will not always get it right, but know that I will try.

Tomorrow is mom’s funeral service & I do not have to be ‘strong’ anymore. I do not need to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with you.

God has blessed our family with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created – a united family.

I love you all.

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Another Visitation

A common pattern is showing up in all my visitation experiences. I noticed that I allow the pains of other & their emotions to physically affect me.

For the last week I have been in great pain! It started with a terrible toothache. The pain then shoots right up the root up to the base of my eye socket. I can see it traveling inside my face. The pain shoots up into my eye & then the pain circles my left eye socket. Once it circles then it goes deep into the back of my eye and finally travels back to the front and remains as a mild headache.

This is bizarre – not only because of the imagery – but because I never get headaches. The pain continued for about a week & a half. The only thing that I can think of is of a bad toothache or even to my sinus problems. Any way I went to the doctor & they found nothing that could be the source of that kind of pain.

The week goes by and the pain still persists. I did not count on going to see a relative that is ill. My wife’s aunt is ill and is admitted into Hospice. At her bedside I never asked what pains she has, but I notice her face is indented around the left eye. Once I saw her the pain minimized. My cheek was still tender, but the pain disappear! At that moment I put the two together – my pain was related to her. The next day she passed away!

At the funeral I noticed that her eye, the same one where I had the pain – is dark & sunken – as is mine.

After many experiences & visitations I do not believe coincidences to be a ‘stroke of chance’, but as:

“Coincidence is the word we use when we can’t see the levers and pulleys.”
– Emma Bull

“When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.”
-Deepak Chopra

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Every Morning…

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling
“I don’t want to live another day without my child in my life.”

Feeling that on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt,
you left this life to live anew –
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed
and I am preparing your clothes in
boxes ready to go. I drive to work
and see your memorial on the
side of the road and the tears come.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger for
that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Everyday I feel your absence.

But each morning I awake again
and continue to live this life
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don’t want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that you
are a person of significance.

That you mattered – to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you, forgive me.


This is another dream/visitation that I experienced fully awake. The feelings I got were feelings I have never felt before, but feel them I did. These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child – though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger’s perspective & my computer would not have it. So I accepted what was coming to me. Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonitions in dreams – so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine.

Then I got present to where these words were coming from. These words were meant for someone – I don’t nude celebrities know who – to read & not for me to keep them in my scrapbook. So I would like to share them with you. I know that I don’t know what it is like to lose a child – so maybe these words are really hollow, but I think I got a stranger’s glimpse into what a parent might be going thru.

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First Visitation – the One

I need to share with you what just happened to me.

I’ve shared memories from my past, that were previously hidden, but that have been popping up for me. One of them is from Carteret, NJ.

It’s Friday night and I’m 12 years old. Dad is gathering us together for the sunset ‘culto.’ I am running away from him because he just turned off my favorite TV show. I am so mad and cursing at him and at God. Why does dad have to do this to start the Sabbath sunset service.

While I’m waiting, I demand of God that if this really was that important then why isn’t he present instead of just a vague, vengeful concept. See I was making God wrong for the way religion was represented to me. I was making him wrong for the way that the SDA religion requires that we deprive ourselves of the ‘worldly’ pleasures.

At that moment the image of Jesus Christ presented himself as an aura and relayed the message of peace and love to me. My life changed! Ever since then I have received that same message from many persons as they are leaving this earth to be with God.

I always feared getting the message – because of our religious beliefs. The messages always scared me since I was being visited by people as they are leaving their human form and dying. I always took this encounter to mean that I was weird, freaky or ungodly. The SDA religion says that this not of god, so I was not a ‘son of God’ worthy of his love.

So tonite I became present that God had chosen me to give the message to – but most importantly – to relay that message to others.

So I need to share a breakthru with you. Tonite I created the possibility of “Being the One” accountable for delivering God’s message of Love Peace and Fulfilment so the whole world can experience life as One!

I am no longer bound by the fear and vengeful God image that was present to me by my religion. I now know that God is Love. True unconditional Love. Agape love – a love that is overwhelming and over consuming. A Love that takes over and surrounds me completely.

God is love – and all there is, is Love.

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This madness is beyond me…

This night the dream started out with a late evening meeting and an angry client in my office. I don’t think he’s angry with me, but here is where it ended up. The client is on his cell screaming at his competitor. When he gets off the phone he demands from his associate – ‘destroy that guy!’

Within minutes I become aware of what he meant by ‘destroy.’ The guy not only lost his financial life but took what he had left of his life as well. Next, that client destroys the career of one of his associates in front of me simply because the associate did not react fast enough. Now comes a brutal reality. He kills a competitor – in front of me – with his bare hands. The anger, the brutality, the rage, the savagery of killing with his bare hands is the most extreme human act. What is his problem and why is this happening in front of me!?

This anger and madness is beyond me! I don’t understand how this can be over something so trivial as a business deal! The deal had nothing to do with me or my office. He was simply sitting in my office at my desk, on the phone doing HIS business deals. Even then the deal had not even gone bad! It just seemed to come from his uncontrollable rage. But it all happened in front of me – in my office- in my world!

I have become a witness to his rage – to his Savagery – his inhuman dark side. All in my office where humanity and civility is the focus of my architecture – a place where a house is conceived to be the nucleus of the family’s home. A place where shelter is created. Shelter from this brutal, uncaring world – A place where brutality and Savagery is not supposed to rear it’s ugly head.

Brutal contrast – dark irony – disturbing dichotomy!

How can a nice man – always full of energy and complementary nature, have such a dark side – a second face, kept deep in the shadow. Kept deep down inside of him. – So deep, so repressed, that when it surfaced, it exploded with the destructive force of all the volcanic eruptions that mankind has ever experienced. Even a nuclear explosion pales in comparison – only because all this rage came from a little man!

Now he has a foe in me! An enemy that he will not tolerate in his world. I have been transformed from an innocent bystander in my safe world – into an antagonist forcefully thrusted into his world. He now turns his anger towards me. He hunts me down and strikes at the very heart of my life. He has kidnapped my wife and my son and has devised a plan for our demise. He created and placed us into tall, square, wooden boxes that will ultimately become our final resting place. Our new homes – My family’s home for the revered-feared afterlife.

The three of us are helpless – me holding my son in my arms, as if I could come close to protecting him from this evil force. And my wife helpless by my side – looking at me as if to say how can this be happening to us?? We are trapped in these boxes as they begin to shoot at us. Suddenly I feel the sting of the bullets as they penetrate my body and soul. I no longer feel the savagery. I no longer feel anything – except my life draining out of my body. The three of us seen to drift away – together – to another existence. An existence beyond these bodies – a place far, far away from this madness we call the human race. We drifted away to the true home that God has created for us – a shelter away from this physical existence – to a serene, peaceful existence as a spiritual part of God.

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