Funny video! Check it out.
Been goofing off this afternoon. Not much happening in the office today. It’s close to the end of the day & I am getting ready to go to my SELP seminar & work on my Descansos project. Spent the last couple hours googling for goofy stuff.
There’s a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl
And he’s always at home with his back to the wall
And he’s proud of his scars and the battles he’s lost
And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross
And likes to be known as the angry young man
Give a moment or two to the angry young man
With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand
He’s been stabbed in the back he’s been misunderstood
It’s a comfort to know his intentions are good
And he sits in his room with a lock on the door
With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor
And he likes to be known as the angry young man
I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight
I once believed in causes too
I had my pointless point of view
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right
And there’s always a place for the angry young man
With his fist in the air and his head in the sand
And he’s never been able to learn from mistakes
So he can’t understand why his heart always breaks
And his honor is pure and his courage is well
And he’s fair and he’s true and he’s boring as hell
And he’ll go to the grave as an angry old man
Billy Joel Lyrics from Turnstiles
This continues my previous post. Anger is a state of mind that we can control. Sometimes we are so used to our anger and so close to it that we start to miss it when it is no longer there. It start to become us. We can ultimately define ourselves by our anger.
Yes this sound ridiculous, but how many times have you said “I’m so angry I can kill him!” Isn’t this an even more ridiculous thought! Kill him! – do you hear yourself talk! Are you a murderer? I think not, but our words are spoken w/such fervor and intention that the anger transmits. What you say becomes real. Real in that your words now a new existance. You put it out there – out in the ether. Real thoughts, real emotions, real intentions. Still think that is ridiculous? When we yell at our kids and call them idiots, stupid, dumbass – that becomes their reality. The child grows up believing these words to be their reality. See how our words become real!
See how our anger can get the best of us – how it becomes so comfortable that we do not think twice when words spill out of our mouths. The intent materializes it!
Death is only a horizon, and a horizon is only the limit of our sight. Open our eyes to see more clearly…”
— William Penn
For the past 4-5 days I have been feeling very uneasy. A feeling of giving up & no longer trying – a sense of “peaceful resignation.” Don’t get me wrong, this is not me talking – at least not my usual self. I don’t give up or give in easily. I was thinking of death but not in the way you may be thinking of it! My wife’s uncle has been sick for a few days with stomach aches. He is 93 yrs old & I got the sense of peaceful resignation from him. All I could think off was avoiding the daily grind.
A sense of submission & withdrawal is overwhelming me. Work was the only thing that could occupy my mind with other things, but I did not want to be there. My stomach was very uneasy & even upset. I was constantly running to the bathroom today. It hurt not with typical stomach pains but from almost a sense of withdrawal. The feeling was all over me. Every thought & naked celebs
every sound. The music I listened to for the past 4 days has a melancholic tone. I was listening to the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack. Songs like The Lonely Shepherd (MP3) & Nancy Sinatra’ Bang Bang (MP3). These songs have a mellow sound and bring back the past (but not my past). I even had a fascination with
Arika Yamaoka’s “Room of Angel” (MP3) – This song is from the Silent Hill 4 game & it has some dark undertones & black lyrics – “here’s a lullaby to close your eyes – goodbye…” (No – the lyrics are not indicative of the person, just music that I was drawn to).
Even when I did not have the music on, this song occupied my mind.
The theme of resignation occupies my mind over & over again. Wednesday night we found out that my wife’s uncle is diagnosed with cancer in the stomach & a blocked intestine and needs to be operated. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach & a sense of emptiness. A spiritual emptiness – like he was no longer there. Tonight we visited him again & I got a peaceful sense from him. He was in little pain & not awake, but I did feel his spirit. He was surrounded with the love of his family.
Tonight while sleeping I dreamt of him. Not his physical self but more his way of being. It was a nice feeling of peace, playfulness, serenity & love. That is who he is. We were two white puffy clouds floating in the sky. We were swirling together, playing and rejoicing life. The play felt like it had been going on for a lifetime, when all of a sudden his cloud pulled away from me and swished away forever.
Suddenly, at that very moment I woke up. It was 4am I awoke out of breath gasping for air. I felt like I was taking my last breath & there was no more air for me to breathe. I felt something leaving my soul & it took my breath with it. It took me a few minutes to get my breath back. My wife was helping me as I tried to explain to her my dream. “Why do you think that was him?” she asked me. I did not get a chance to answer.
It is now 4:30am and as I was trying to catch my breath, the phone rings! As my wife answer the phone, she turns around to look at me. “No way!” I think to myself. With that said. She tells me that it’s her cousin. “The hospital called. He has just passed away.” was all she said & all she needed to say – as I already knew. My wife gets ready & leaves for the hospital & I stay behind with our son, who is sleeping.
I could not fall back to sleep but am exhausted. This visitation really left me drained! It is now 6:30 am & I am listening to Arika Yamaoka’s “Room of Angel” (MP3) song as I type this. I no longer feel pain; that sense of resignation nor a submissive feeling of loss. As my stomach frees itself of anxiety, I begin to feel peace, playfulness & love as it fills my very existence.
It is who he was! Rest in peace, Rojelio