This week I completed my I.L.P. program at Landmark – Ft Lauderdale. The final class was 5 hrs of nothing but acknowledgement. Acknowledging family, friends, participants and even course leaders.
I get up and decide to let it all hang out. I acknowledge the monkey on my back and my classmates that got me to see that it was there. I had lived nine years of not knowing it was there. My emotions, my self-expression, my vitality and spontinaity were all wrapped up, like the layers of an onion, all under layer of ‘protection.’ I called this my life for the last nine years. But over my shoulder he was. He was more like a 200 lb gorilla in that he weighted me down with sadness, anger and loneliness.
See over the last nine years my wife & I have dealt with the loss of many loved ones in our life. My wife & I lived with the death of both my mother/father-in-laws; a close uncle; a relative who died when he collided with a light pole; a friend of the family who died of cancer; a cousin was murdered in his own bedroom; A 18 yr old cousin who’s car was hit by a train; I even lost another with whom I did not have any connections – but who was close to a friend of mine.
Don’t get me wrong, life was fine. I went on with my life – like we are all supposed to. My wife accepted the circumstances. I tolorated them because I had to go on. I had to go on and I had to protect my son. But when I thought I was teaching him peace, Love and acceptance, I was actually teaching him my fears.
See each one touched my life in different ways. With the death of my mother-in-law I lost my patience; with my father-in-law I lost faith; with the cousin who was murdered I lost trust; with the 18yr old girl stuck in the car as the train approached I lost peace. In each occurance I have allowed a piece of me to disappear – or just shall I say – have wrapped it away inside the many layers of my onion – all because of my own fear of death.
But the I.L.P. program is designed to peel away all those layers. It is designed to free me of all the constraints that my past has imposed on me. My classmates created a new listening for who I was – even when I could not see myself that way. It was because of their believe and support that I was able to step into the listening they created for me. I was able to live into my possibility of Love, Peace & Fullfilment all because of the listening they had for me.