A Class for Acknowledgements

This week I completed my I.L.P. program at Landmark – Ft Lauderdale. The final class was 5 hrs of nothing but acknowledgement. Acknowledging family, friends, participants and even course leaders.

I get up and decide to let it all hang out. I acknowledge the monkey on my back and my classmates that got me to see that it was there. I had lived nine years of not knowing it was there. My emotions, my self-expression, my vitality and spontinaity were all wrapped up, like the layers of an onion, all under layer of ‘protection.’ I called this my life for the last nine years. But over my shoulder he was. He was more like a 200 lb gorilla in that he weighted me down with sadness, anger and loneliness.

See over the last nine years my wife & I have dealt with the loss of many loved ones in our life. My wife & I lived with the death of both my mother/father-in-laws; a close uncle; a relative who died when he collided with a light pole; a friend of the family who died of cancer; a cousin was murdered in his own bedroom; A 18 yr old cousin who’s car was hit by a train; I even lost another with whom I did not have any connections – but who was close to a friend of mine.

Don’t get me wrong, life was fine. I went on with my life – like we are all supposed to. My wife accepted the circumstances. I tolorated them because I had to go on. I had to go on and I had to protect my son. But when I thought I was teaching him peace, Love and acceptance, I was actually teaching him my fears.

See each one touched my life in different ways. With the death of my mother-in-law I lost my patience; with my father-in-law I lost faith; with the cousin who was murdered I lost trust; with the 18yr old girl stuck in the car as the train approached I lost peace. In each occurance I have allowed a piece of me to disappear – or just shall I say – have wrapped it away inside the many layers of my onion – all because of my own fear of death.

But the I.L.P. program is designed to peel away all those layers. It is designed to free me of all the constraints that my past has imposed on me. My classmates created a new listening for who I was – even when I could not see myself that way. It was because of their believe and support that I was able to step into the listening they created for me. I was able to live into my possibility of Love, Peace & Fullfilment all because of the listening they had for me.

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Every Morning…

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling
“I don’t want to live another day without my child in my life.”

Feeling that on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt,
you left this life to live anew –
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed
and I am preparing your clothes in
boxes ready to go. I drive to work
and see your memorial on the
side of the road and the tears come.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger for
that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Everyday I feel your absence.

But each morning I awake again
and continue to live this life
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don’t want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that you
are a person of significance.

That you mattered – to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and laugh again.
I am the celebrity nudes only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you, forgive me.

This is another dream/visitation that I experienced fully awake. The feelings I got were feelings I have never felt before, but feel them I did. These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child – though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger’s perspective & my computer would not have it. So I accepted what was coming to me. Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonitions in dreams – so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine.

Then I got present to where these words were coming from. These words were meant for someone – I don’t know who – to read & not for me to keep them in my scrapbook. So I would like to share them with you. I know that I don’t know what it is like to lose a child – so maybe these words are really hollow, but I think I got a stranger’s glimpse into what a parent might be going thru.

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