Where’s My Stuff?

Last night was a major dream night. Like normal, I had several dreams one after the other.

1st one was that robbers devastated our home. Everything we owned was gone. In my dream I woke up in the middle of the night, went downstairs to find that everything was gone. Our personal belongings, and my computers. I can’t believe that everything is gone! My life, my work, my home – what an empty feeling.

The strange thing about this dream is that I really value my family more than my belongings, yet in the dream Mercy & Marcelo were still asleep. They were Ok – and possibly not a concern, because in my dream that was not even a thought in my mind.

This dream comes after another dream I had a few days ago.

I was frozen by fear. I hear somebody jiggling the door of our bedroom balcony. I wake up and see their shadows but I can’t get up! I am frozen in my bed full of fear & hatred. Then I notice that I am talking to myself (Me asleep talking to me in the dream). I am telling myself to “get up, move – you need to stop them before they get in and hurt your family” just then I wake up, look at the door and realize that there was nobody there. I went downstairs & everything was fine. It was just a dream.

The scary part is that I can’t tell the difference between my dreams & reality. Only after analyzing them can I discern the real from my dreams. I woke up, got our of bed and went downstairs to confirm that everything was alright.

This seems to be a reoccurring dream. Always feel that somebody is trying to break into my home or that someone is watching me while I sleep. Several times I awake to the sound of metal crashing or glass breaking. But nothing – nowhere. I’ve talked with several neighbors & they did not hear anything overnight. I must be dreaming this and being awoken by my dream.

The Dream Doctor calls this type of dream “Night Terror” dreams caused by total darkness in the room & a subconsious fear of the dark.

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La Cosa Nostra

The 2nd dream tonight hit me hard. This night had to do with the Sopranos, but with no less a realistic feeling. I feel all the same feelings and even can’t tell what is real or a dream until I get up and touch my real environment. Weird huh!??

I met up with Tony Soprano. One day, while driving with my family in the car, we get scraped by a taxi. The driver just runs off not even concerned what he has done. I get so mad & I mention this to Tony. He says I have to do something about it & he gets me worked up so bad, that I track down the taxi driver. I want to get back at this guy, but only think of small, childish ways. I see him taking groceries out of his trunk. I tell Tony that I am going to steal his groceries so that it affects him – but in a minor way ONLY. As I find out later, Tony has different ideas – more adventurous, more deadly.

I track the taxi driver down & follow him. Tony tells me to act at first opportunity. I get a chance at the next stoplight, but I hesitate & do not act, waiting for another opportunity. Tony follows behind me in a black Suburban (just like on the show) & I get the impression he is mad that I did not act. Next the cab stops at a gated warehouse. Tony wants me to act then & there, but I say no “there are many security guards around” & shrug it off. I back off & run off to the church across the street. I guess I must have had my family with me because we all walk in together. We sit down & soon I realize that this is actually a town meeting discussion – of all things – Tony Soprano and what to do about him. I then realize that Tony & Silvio had followed me into the church and are sitting 6 rows behind me to the right. He is steaming now – for I had dragged him into his own “condemnation.”

He gets madder then hell when somebody on stage stands up and shouts that Tony is a “sleazy Mobster & that he needs to be made to disappear” Tony gets up and shouts back. Silvio, taking this as a hint, jumps to his feet & shoots the guy on stage – shoots him dead! Then Silvio turns to the chorus & shoots at the gray-headed balding guy, while screaming – “bye bye Senator.” Silvio shuts him dead between the eyes!! Then he turns and shoots the guy standing next to me. Everybody is frozen in fear and a few seconds seen to be hours of slow motion movie track. All of a sudden the movie track speed up, like “The Matrix.” Slow motion is now fast track & everybody is running for their lives. I don’t see my family – where are they!!

I get dragged outside by the rushing crowd. As I get near the doors of the church, somebody pulls me out of the crowd – a bodiless set of arms. Again the Matrix slow motion kicks in & I realize that the doors are a pair of huge medieval heavy wooden doors, with chunky metal strap & big black metal rivets that bolt the door together. Now Matrix fast track hits & I am then pulled to the side of the foyer, to a dark corner where I get surrounded by Tony’s guys. “Tony wants to see you” they tell me & a mean looking thug in a tight black tee shirt & mustache strikes me in the chest.

I am now fast-tracked outside, near the Guarded warehouse. Tony tells me that I am part of the “family” now & that I better not let him down. I feel an empty feeling – how can I get involved with such a crowd; how can I do this to my family. He motions me with his eyes towards the warehouse & Silvio nudges me into action. All this is in a non-spoken language, but I clearly understand what they want me to do & what will happen if I don’t.

I guess it’s a culmination of my stereotypical ideas of mobsters, but it is now happening to me. All this time I am wondering where my family could be. I get nudged into the moment again & I find myself at the gates to this warehouse.

We rush the gate, while out of the corner of my eye I see Silvio greasing the gate guard. Again in Matrix-like slow motion I see five hundred dollar bills get handed to the guard one-by-one each slowly being placed on the hand of this black man. One hundred; two hundred; three hundred; four hundred; five…. Then a Matrix-like rush sweeps by and fast track action kicks in. We are now stabbing the taxi driver that cut me off & the guys (notice my familiarity with these thugs – I am in an ethereal state where I am no longer in control of myself & I associate myself with them. I am no longer the schmuck dragged into this, but I am a willing participant – I am one of them!!) are taking bag after bag out of his trunk. Only I realize that these bags were not groceries but tons of cash! The taxi driver, for some reason I now know this, is a runner for a rival gang & Tony used me to start the attack!

I seem to rebel against this & they start attacking me. Matrix-like I feel a beating going on around me & to me, but feel nothing. I see a guy punch me in the face. I see the Rocky Balboa scene where he is struck in the face & spins in slow-mo. Spit and blood flies from my mouth into the air at an extremely slow pace, but no feelings whatsoever. I hit the floor, my cheek slapping the pavement & slow bouncing away to again slap the pavement as if bouncing. While laying there I look up. I look to the right & finally see Mercy. I look to the left & there is Marcelito sitting on the floor, behind a picnic table, arms stretch – waiting for me- I need to hug him! Matrix like I kick all these thugs. Knock them out & I am twisting & turning in the air (again in a Matrix-like slow-mo) flying towards Marcelo. I pick him up & hug him, for I feel this maybe the last time. I now run with Marcelo to hug Mercy who is locked behind gates.

She is there alone surrounded by a hazy fog & only darkness behind her. These gates surround a swale with benches around the perimeter. I am standing at the gate when one of Tony’s guys unlocks it & lets me in. “Tony is waiting” he says.

I now find myself sitting in the ring of benches surrounded by a lot of people from the town meeting. I notice the morning dew accumulated on the blades of grass that surrounds us. All I can see is a spooky, ominous fog. This mist is very thick & humid. My chest is very tight & I am finding it hard to breath. Mercy is about 20 people to the right of me in another bench. She is crying for fear of her life & I feel it – I feel her pain. It was my fault she & Marcelo are here & it is my fault we are going to die! All of a sudden, shots ring out and one-by-one all the people around us are shot. Next I see (Matrix-like) a shot whirling towards us. With its smoke trail behind it, the bullet approaches me almost as a 1,2,3… get ready feeling. I am frozen in fear and it hits me in the head. The next one hits Marcelo in the chest (I am now overwhelmed with sorrow, anger, fear, RAGE & a father’s PAIN!!) Marcelo dies in my arms! His lifeless body, still sitting on my lap. Suddenly, somebody pulls me off the seat & I run towards Mercy. I no longer see anybody else around us. But I do see more shots coming at us. Mercy is hit in the arm, the legs, her chest, right shoulder and finally in the head! Her life-less body falls to the ground. OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!!

I get hit again and fall on top of Mercy. HELP US LORD! For I feel Mercy starting to drift. I feel my body collapsing. My eyes – I can’t keep them open. They are closing & I can’t stop it. I now feel that I am regressing into myself – like the witch that Dorothy poured some water on- I feel like my soul is withdrawing within me. I am melting. NO THIS CANNOT BE! I feel death at by back & cannot shake it. Darker & darker is my life and further away is my existence.

They say that the body wakes you out of your sleep, right before you die – as a self-preservation mechanism. But I am still dreaming!! Mercy & Marcelo cannot be dead – this is a dream right!?? It has to be! GOD TELL ME IT IS. I need to help Mercy. I need to do something! My body is lifeless and there is so much darkness. I now float like a spirit as the only way to be able to move. I drift towards her face & tell Mercy that I love her & I will be there with her. She responds likewise, but in a faint voice. She is floating away!!! OH LORD I feel her spirit leaving her body & I feel her body go lifeless next to mine & I feel the cold waters of the river of death flowing between us. GOD HELP ME! Bye Mercy, Bye.

She drifts off towards heaven she is no longer with me! I look up and all I see is the black sky – its darkness only broken by the gray glowing spirits of all the people who are no longer here. They are drifting towards heaven looking down at me. It is my fault all this is happening.

Suddenly I get this warm sensation all over my body. I am not dead! I feel 20, 30, 40 bullets strike my legs, my back, my shoulders. But strangely enough, I feel no pain. GOD I feel them hitting me. What is going on! All of a sudden across the room I get this feeling – I feel a good white spirit calling for me. It is Marcelito’s spirit. Again this reoccurring Matrix-like shift drags me at light speed towards where his spirit is sitting. He is still here!! Thank you Lord! I get this warm feeling that the Lord has spared him from this horrible, senseless massacre. Along side of the bullets hitting my body & the kicks cracking my ribs, I start to feel a cold draft of rage & anger. I feel I need to do something about this. I need to get revenge against Tony!!

My mind starts to drift & I see myself, in the future, at this conference. I am on stage (I feel Marcelo next to me but I can’t see him) talking about mob crimes & activities.

I now hear a beeping of machines around me & I hear this echo of people talking. “Doctor, we are loosing him!” I call out to the doctor, BUT HE DOESN’T HEAR ME!! I am asking them “where is my son!??” but they do not hear me. I struggle to see what is going on but cannot open my eyes. What a horrible feeling of rage, loneliness and sorrow!

Anger and rage are my main feelings. Also I feel that this is real & that I have lost my family! I woke up, got out of bed and touched Mercy. Yes, she is warm & next to me. I went and felt Marcelo & was ecstatic that he was there. Even at this moment (hrs after waking up in the AM) I feel that pain and anger. I just talked to Mercy on the phone & Marcelo just nudged me, so I know they are alive and well, but cannot shake this feeling of doom & gloom. I feel that at any moment now he will be after me again. HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS

Lets start figuring this out. Looking back it looks as if Tony had set me up.

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